Review and Reflection: Tide 1 - Badineut

The first Tide of the Kibtisk Method, Badineut, the Tide of Observing, is now over. 

It has been over six weeks of introspective meditation, observing my ardt, my inner-earth, at the same time as observing the Earth as she awakens from winter. It has been the beginning of the Kibtisk year and thus indicative of a new start. 

Now, at the end of the Tide, it is time to reflect upon this contemplative season which began the year.

Moving On:

Badineut, being the first Tide of the Kibtisk year also represents a new start. This is quite pertinent for me personally, as it has been during this Tide that I have prepared to move, and have moved, from Worcestershire to Kent. Thus, I have been able to examine myself during this move, and gain insight into what ihres I have absorbed and projected.

I'd spent six years in Worcestershire, and was originally planning to leave in 2018, but decided to stay and get engaged. Then my wife and I were going to leave in 2020, but the lockdowns prohibited that. 

Leaving Worcestershire: the place that has taught me so much in so many ways; the birthplace of Kibtisk; the place I had met my wife and gotten married and where I'd formed lifelong friendships, was a big change, and so I'm lucky that it happened during the Tide of Badineut where the practice of ardzýn (self-examination via intentional introspection) is predominant. I was able to examine myself and how I felt about leaving Worcestershire.

Below are my various observations made during my sessions of ardzýn, which took place on each Monday of the Tide (according to the Method).

Leaving with Anger - 12th April:

The main thing I noticed from my meditation, albeit not the first, is that I have been projecting a lot of anger. 

On 12th April, when I practised ardzýn, it was a significant time of meditation for me because it was the first to be practised in Kent whilst visiting where we would live, and so I was able to reflect more fully on what I was absorbing and projecting as we prepared to leave Worcestershire. 

"Looking within, I realise that I came to Worcestershire with excitement and passion, but am leaving with a lot of anger and hurt. A lot of anger." 

When I went to Worcestershire in 2015, I went passionate and excited. I was ready to learn more about God and the Bible and get more involved with churches. But how I was treated there, and perhaps more importantly, how I witnessed others being treated including those close to me, quickly killed that passion and excitement. Within a year, I wasn't even sure I wanted to stay. By 2019, my wife and I were determined to leave, or as we viewed it: escape.

I stuck it out and completed my degree. I got a job and got married. By all counts I had a good and successful life in Worcestershire, but as I reflected on how I felt leaving, all I could really feel was anger. As I looked within myself, all I could observe is that I was projecting a lot of anger. Bitter, spitting anger was, and still is, lying beneath the surface and comes to a head at the sight of a red flag. The smallest reminder of those people who stamped out the fire of passion within me by their abuse of those close to me brings on a wildfire of rage within.

"Moving forward I need to let go of my anger. I need to forgive. I need to return to soft-heartedness (zeva). The season of focusing on vitren is coming next, and it starts during my first week of living in Kent. I am going to try to soften."

What I have begun to see within myself during Badineut is that I'm projecting anger because of what I've experienced. I need to forgive. I need to return to spiritual practice and allow it to soften my ardt. I need to heal, and I need to learn to embrace the flow of life: vywe.

Embracing the Flow (Vywe) - 22nd & 29th March

Before I examined my inner-self and acknowledged the anger within, I began Badineut by reflecting on what I had been absorbing before the Tide began.

What God has said to me back in May 2020 was "guard your ihre", but it wasn't until my meditations during this Tide that I understood why that was.

We can't always control life. I'm sure 2020 taught everyone that. And so there are times in life where we just have to embrace the flow of things, and guard ourselves as we do so. A few weeks before the Kibtisk year started, I'd conceptualised this idea as vywe.

As I began Badineut, I realised that when God told me to guard my ihre it was because I would be going through a time of vywe - of being in the flow of life with little control, of needing to be supple and uncoercive. I believe I am still in that time.

Reflecting upon this later I wrote:

"In retrospect, when Master told me to guard my ihre, it was because we would be journeying 'vywei' (with/in the flow). When one is vywei, they cannot control what comes their way and they cannot control where they are going. Thus they must guard their ihre, otherwise emerge affected by any nezeva (harshness/bitterness) which they encounter on the way."

This understanding of needing to flow with life rather than against it was what led to my realisation that I was harnessing and projecting a lot of anger and bitterness. The word of this in Kibtisk is nezeva (seen above). It is the opposite of zeva.

Being at Rest - 22nd March & 5th April

Another thing that I realised during my first meditation of Badineut, as well as the importance of being 'vywei' - journeying with/in the flow of life rather than against it - is that I am at rest for the time being.

In my life-journey I have come to a mountaintop of restfulness. I am able to just be and heal. The state of my ardt (my ardstat) is one of being at rest.

During my meditation of 5th April, I realised that part of guarding my ihre was not allowing anything to undo that rest, including my own anger. I must not allow my unforgiveness to inhibit my healing. I must be at rest and forgive before getting up and journeying on.

Summary:

Essentially, during this Tide of Observing, I have observed the following about my inner-self:

1. I have observed that I am at rest within my own ardt.
2. I have observed that I am to guard this state of rest.
3. I have observed that I am in the flow of life, and should not fight against it, but instead cooperate with it whilst still guarding myself.
4. I have observed that I am deeply angry at many people, and part of being in the flow is allowing that anger to run its course with the end goal of forgiveness and healing

Now I have moved to a new place, and am being offered a new start. A new Tide is starting: Vywineut - the Tide of Flowing, The Tide of Vywe. During this Tide there is a focus on vitren (facilitating spiritual practice) and so I will be able to be at rest upon the mountaintop, practice my spirituality, and heal before journeying down into what is next for me.

For now, I am in Kent. I am in the vywe. And I am going to heal.